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Tony’s Tidbits:

---EXCERPTS from: http://www.wiseoldsayings.com/humorous1.htm-----

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - unknown

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625)

A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown

A teacher's job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well grounded. - unknown (submitted by fubar@nque.com)

Anyone who doesn't think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one. - unknown

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot. - unknown

Being young is a fault that diminishes daily. - Swedish (on youth and age)

Blessed is he that can laugh at himself, he will never cease to be amused. - unknown

Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be dissapointed. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. - Ogden Nash (1902- )

Cheer up! Remember the less you have, the more there is to get. - unknown

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it. - Rene Decartes (1596-1650)

Credit cards are like mosquitoes. You can keep them away for a while, but sooner or later they will be back to suck your blood. - Ted Steckley (1949-)

Creditors have better memories than debtors. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Dear God, I have a problem; it's me. - unknown

Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies. - Canning

Do what you think is right in your heart. You'll be criticized anyway. - Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

Dying while young is a boon in old age. - Yiddish (on death and dying)

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day. - unknown

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. - unknown

Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest -- and so am I! - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Everyone has the right to be stupid but you're abusing the priviledge. - Shiv Daddar

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - unknown

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Fish and visitors stink after three days. - - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Gingerbread man is a perfect man, he's cute, he's sweet and if he gives you any heck, you can bite his head off. - kd with thanks to K. Walker

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - Jewish Proverb

God works wonders now and then; behold! a lawyer, an honest man. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Golf: A good walk ruined. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Great talkers should be cropped for they have no need of ears. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle

He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.)

He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.)

He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle

He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving (1783-1859)

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle

He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown

He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle

Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown

I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown

I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis

I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain, a gentle needle

I feel so miserable without you, its almost like having you here. - Stephan Bishop, a gentle needle

I have a new philosophy, I'm only going to dread one day at a time. - Charles Shulz ("Peanuts")

I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow, a gentle needle

I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I refuse to enter a battle of wits with an unarmed man. - unknown

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI, courtesy of Jack Shea

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him. - Italian Proverb

If at first you don't succeed, skydivings not for you. - S. Johns

If at first you don't succeed, you're about average. - unknown

If something can go wrong, it will. - unknown but often attributed to Murphy as in Murphy's Law.

If the baby is happy, don't try to make it happier. - Dan Keeton

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. - unknown

If you want to be criticized, marry. - Irish Proverb

If you wish to die young, make your physician your heir. - Romanian Proverb

If you'ld lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

If you're going to be dumb, you've got to be tough. - William Dempsey Wendt

In God we trust; all others pay cash.- American (on money)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Louis Grizzard

It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain (Thanks to Michael Beard)

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later. - Franklin Roosevelt (1882-1945)

It is easier to get forgiveness than to get permission. - unknown

It takes less time to do something right than to explain why it was done wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

It's not easy being green. - Kermit the Frog

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" - unknown, courtesy of Jack Shea

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx, a gentle needle

I've just learned of his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb, a gentle needle

I've suffered a great many catastrophies in my life. Most of them never happened. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Lazy people work harder. - unknown (thanks to Jeff Hatch)

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. - Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

Life is a big headache on a noisy street. - Yiddish Proverb

Life's too short for chess. - Henry James Byron (1834-1884)

Life's hard; get a helmet. - kd with thanks to K.Walker

Long tongue, short hands. - Czech (on words and deeds)

Love is blind but not the neighbors.- Mexican (on life and living)

Love your neighbor; yet don't pull down your hedge. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Man has his will but woman has her way. - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

Man's work is from sun to sun, woman's work is never done. - H. Blaney Giese

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Many foxes grow grey but few grow good. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Mary's mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others' expense. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it. - unknown

Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places. - unknown

Mistakes will happen; others will be blamed. - Paul Perves (on corporate life)

Most people aim at nothing in life and hit it with amazing accuracy. - unknown

My idea of housework is to sweep a room with a glance. - unknown

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me but I think she enjoyed it. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!" - jshumor@exis.net

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

Nepotism works, get on the right side of it. - Dan Keeton

Never criticize a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way when you do criticize him, you are a mile ahead and you have his shoes. - unknown (thanks to S. Johns)

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only frustrates you and really annoys the pig. - Dale Cade

No good deed goes unpunished. - Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

No husband has ever been shot doing the dishes. - unknown

One good husband is worth two good wives for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. - A.A. Milne (1882-?)

Only in America, if you fail as a person, you can always write a book. - Ferg Stevens

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - unknown

Out of all the things I've lost in life, I think I miss my mind the most. - unknown

Patience is never more important than when you are on the verge of losing it. - unknown

People ask you for criticism but they only want praise. - Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese" - G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936) courtesy of Wolf Tooth

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway on William Faulkner, a gentle needle

Public money is like holy water; people help themselves. - Italian (on good and evil)

Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Remorse the fatal egg by pleasure laid. - William Cowper (1731-1800)

Sacred cows make great hamburgers. - Michael Thompson

She was often wrong but never in doubt. - unknown

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - unknown

Speak not of my debts unless you mean to pay them. - English Proverb

Speak the truth but leave immediately after. - Slovenian Proverb

Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. - Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't even fallen asleep yet. - unknown

Suppers have killed more than doctors have ever cured. - Spanish (on food and hunger)

Tact is the act of making a point without making an enemy. - Clarence Darrow

Take your wife to Sears and she will shop for a day; take her to Walmart and she will shop for a lifetime. - Ferg Stevens

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. - Moses Hadad, a gentle needle

The best thing about telling the truth is..you don't have to remember what you said! - unknown, courtesy of Georgie Bee

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I'll walk carefully, - Russian Proverb

The difficult is done at once, the impossible takes a little longer. - Anthony Trollope (1815-1882)

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - unknown

The golden age never was the present age. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes

The money is always greener in the other fellow's wallet. - Bill ?

The older I get, the righter my parents were. - Jeanne Warner

The other line always moves faster until you get in it. - unknown

The poor have little - beggars none; the rich too much - enough, not one! - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind but how to get the old ones out. - Dee Hock

The sheik's miracles are those of his own telling. - Turkish (on words and deeds)

The tongue offends and the ears get the cuffing. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

The trouble with being in a rat race is that even when you win you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

There are more old drunkards than old doctors. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it. - Mark Twain

There can't be another crisis this week, my schedule is completely full. - unknown

There is nothing more stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)

There is no waste of time like making explanations. - Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard, a gentle needle

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed, a gentle needle

They never taste who always drink, they always talk who never think. - Matthew Prior (1664-1721)

They who drink beer, think beer. - Washington Irving (1783-1859)

Things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Three may keep a secret if two are dead. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

'Tis against some men's principle to pay interest and seems against others' interest to pay principal. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. - unknown

Trust in Allah but tie your camel. - Old Muslim Proverb

Twice cut off and still too short. - on carpentry (thanks to Claus Plock)

We developed language because of our deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

What the mulla says, you must do; what he does, you must not do.- Kashmiri (on hypocrisy)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton

When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about. - unknown

When mother ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. - unknown

When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

When we think we lead, we are most led. - Henry James Byron (1834-1884)

When you get at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)

Who was the one who put the needle in the haystack anyway? - Lester Goslar

With the mouth, one can ford the wildest river. - Ethiopian (on words and deeds)

You are what you eat. Don't be a vegetable. - unknown

You've got the brain of a four year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. - Groucho Marx, a gentle needle

Young men think old men are fools but old men know young men are fools. - George Chapman (c1559-1634)

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--25 THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME (shared by my friend Stephen)--

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION . 'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC . ' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY. 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP . 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR . 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

---------------------------------

ARE YOU A REAL GEOLOGIST????????

You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in here, rocks?"

You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were eally intended only for cattle

You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a rock hammer isn't really a weapon

Your rock garden is located inside your house

You have ever hung a picture using a Brunton as a level

Your collection of beer cans and/or bottles rivals the size of your rock collection

You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred thousand years

Your photos include people only for scale and you have more pictures of your rock hammer and lens cap than of your family

You have ever been on a field trip that included scheduled stops at a gravel pit and/or a liquor store

------------------GOLF--------------------------

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

--------------------------

Generation Gaps:

1976: Long hair >2016: Longing for hair

1976: The perfect high >2016: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1976: KEG >2016: EKG

1976: Acid rock >2016: Acid reflux

1976: Moving to California because it's cool >2016: Moving to California because it's warm

1976: Growing pot >2016: Growing pot belly

1976: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor >2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1976: Seeds and stems >2016: Roughage

1976: Popping pills, smoking joints >2016: Popping joints

1976: Killer weed >2016: Weed killer

1976: Hoping for a BMW >2016: Hoping for a BM

1976: The Grateful Dead >2016: Dr. Kevorkian

1976: Going to a new, hip joint >2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1976: Rolling Stones >2016: Kidney Stones

1976: Being called into the principal's office >2016: Calling the principal's office

1976: Disco >2016: Costco

1976: Parents begging you to get your hair cut >2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1976: Taking acid >2016: Taking antacid

1976: Passing the drivers' test >2016: Passing the vision test

1976: Whatever >2016: Depends

--------------------------

LIFE IN THE 1500'S (Borrowed from a friend)

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying: Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying: Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift). to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring!

---------------------------------------------

Inverted Views:

What goes down must come up.

If it ain't fixed don't broke it.

Nothing gained, nothing ventured.

No gain, no pain.

A house standing by itself is not be divided.

A thousand words create a picture.

-----------------------------------------

Survivors:

Those of us over 35 should be dead. Here's why ...

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a stationwagon or a truck was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. WE HAD NO MOBILE PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have IPADS, Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, DVD movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We actually had friends! We went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home alone; and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

Our generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And if you are one of them, Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!!!!!

---------------------------------------------

Steven Wrightisms:

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than many do, to our amusement.

Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

-----------------------------

Gender of Non-Living Things:

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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You know that times haved changed when You ...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself!

---------------------------------------------

My Favorite Questions:

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who is really smarter?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

------------------------------------------

History Exam:

History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and number 1 to 20. Write the letter of each answer and score at the end. Then, best of all, before you pass this test on -- Put your score in the subject line!

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c.Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin

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HISTORY EXAM ANSWERS

1. b)On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b)To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c)Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a)Blackjack Gum.

5. b)Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a)1946 Studebaker.

7. c)Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a)Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a)With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c)Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c)Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b)Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c)Macaroni.

14. c)Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill.

15. a)Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a)Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b)Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c)Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a)The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a)Tony Bennett..

---------------------------------------------

HISTORY EXAM SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share their wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

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TRUE OR FALSE?

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE......

-------------------------------

KIDS' VIEWS OF HISTORY

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a heroic couple.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

---------------------

The Letter to Dad. . .

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

--------------------

Cracked Pot Fable:

A long time ago a water bearer had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 yrs of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house?"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

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Only an 8th Grade Education . . .

Are you feeling pretty smart? Take a look back to1895... Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an eighth-grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the eighth grade in 1895? This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, Kansas and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, Kansas, 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour) 1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters. 2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications. 3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph. 4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run. 5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case. 6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation. 7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours) 1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic. 2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold? 3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare? 4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals? 5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton. 6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent. 7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter? 8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent. 9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods? 10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes) 1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided. 2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus. 3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War. 4. Show the territorial growth of the United States. 5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas. 6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion. 7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn,and Howe? 8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620,1800,1849,1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication? 2. What are elementary sounds? How classified? 3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph,subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals? 4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'. 5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule. 6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each. 7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi,dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup 8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last. 9. Use the following correctly in sentences, cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays. 10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend? 2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas? 3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean? 4. Describe the mountains of North America. 5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver,Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco. 6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. 7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each. 8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude? 9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers. 10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

That gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "he only had an eighth-grade education" a whole new meaning!

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Lessons from Kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Poor woman.

Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Do you occasionally feel intellectually challenged? If so, you probably do not have to worry. The reported 9 cases below from unknown sources should make you feel better:

1.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

3.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few years ago, a lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her PC floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using "the ATM thingy."

4.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car."

"Do you think they (pointing to a convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno."

"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries?

It's a long walk."

5.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.

Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

9.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

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Fun things to do at work

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

4. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

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Sniglets:

A sniglet is a word that should be in the dictionary but isn't.Sniglets are the brainchild of comedian Rich Hall who, with a little help from his friends, wrote a series of books containing sniglets in the mid-eighties. With a little help from Rich Hall and our readers, here are some IT-related sniglets we think should be in the dictionary but aren't:

Execuglide - to maneuver oneself around the room while seated in a wheeled office chair.

Animousity - vigorously clicking your pointer device because a page is loading too slowly.

Screen spasm - pages that try to load simultaneously on your computer screen as a direct result of your animousity.

Prairedogged - the feeling of helplessness that overtakes you when co-workers in neighboring cubicles constantly pop their heads up to ask you stupid questions, offer unsolicited comments, or otherwise waste your time.

Cellphonic appraisal - the activity that occurs when a ringing cell phone causes everyone in the room to check and see if it's theirs.

Gadaboutag - the orphan html tag that's messing up your page.

Dot gone - last year's e-commerce hopeful.

Tacitician - a conference call participant who performs non-work related tasks without being overheard.

Fonesia - the affliction that strikes when you dial a phone number and forget whom you were calling just as they answer.

Egotictic - the amount of time wasted because you stubbornly refuse to look it up in the manual.

WAPathy - lack of interest in wireless technology.

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Signs Found In Kitchens:

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

10. Housework done properly can kill you.

11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

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7-UP was created in 1929. "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in First Class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

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Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on what happens?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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How did the nautical measure of speed known as the knot get its name?

From sixteenth-century mariners who let out a line with knots tied at regular intervals and then counted the number of knots played out in a given time to determine their ship's approximate speed.

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Which is the only one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World still in existence today?

The Pyramids of Egypt at Giza. The other six wonders were the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Tomb of Mausolus at Helicarnassus, the Temple of Artemis (Diana) at Ephesus, the Colossus of Rhodes, the Statue of Zeus (Jupiter) by Phidias atOlympia, and the Pharos of Alexandria.

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Why is the word mile derived from the Latin phrase "mille passum," meaning 1,000 paces, when it takes at least twice that many to walk a mile?

The 1,000 paces referred to were those of the Roman Legion, whose formal parade step consisted of two steps that covered a distance of 5.2 feet. That would make a mile 5,200 feet, very close to today's statute mile of 5,280 feet.

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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

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Something Got Lost in the Translation...

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet; eat nuts.

ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

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An elephant can smell water three miles away.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

Bubble gum contains rubber.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 348,979,564,000.

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case'letters.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

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